Fondled and Gobbled: Someone Had To Do It by:
Danica Avet, Lea Barrymire, Anya Richards, Cassandra Carr and Piper Trace
The perfect man—with the imperfect cock and oral skills. The Dom who isn’t a dom, and the man who proves it to him. The alien with dessert-flavored semen and three cocks. The older man (a kajillionaire with a penthouse in Seattle…) who has limitless ability to come all night with his naïve little virgin. A woman on a diet who craves a feast of meat and finds herself five Broadshaft Brothers who can deliver.
If you’re looking for the perfect romance with the perfect hero and heroine, this isn’t it! This is a series of spoofs, parodies, just-for-fun lighthearted take-offs. It’s for all us longtime, hard-core romance readers who can laugh at the clichés, purple prose and “suspend your disbelief” plot devices that haunt our beloved favorite genre.
Thanks for stopping by. I know you’re all busy, especially with the release of your stories. But I wanted everyone to get to know you a little better and see how things are going for each of you after meeting your significant others. Let’s get started.
Q: Please introduce yourselves and give me a two sentence synopsis of your story.
Lucius: *looks around at all the women and lifts his chin* I’m Lucius, and I’m not sure what the fuss is all about. I just tried to have a quiet sneak-fuck and ended up trussed like a turkey, being assaulted. *gets a faraway look in his eyes* Never realized how much fun that could be…
Steele: I’m Steele Ana. I was working in a dead end job, but then Grey Christian came in and we fell instantly in love! He promptly insisted I move into his awesome penthouse in Seattle, and of course I said yes!
Missy: *tapping the screen* Can you guys hear me? Yes? Good. I’m Missy. *waving* Um, I’m on Oz’s ship someplace in the next galaxy over from the Milky Way. We’re heading to his planet, I guess. Anyway, after he took me from Earth I’m not too worried about where we’re going. He’s hunky, I was single… enough said, right?
Holly: *Pauses in the middle of flipping through Big Toys for Big O’s magazine* What’s there to talk about? I like sex. I like orgasms even more. My man, Caid Kincaid gives me what I need. Sort of. *slouches in her chair* Most of the time. *Slouches more* He’s really trying. *Glares at Lucius* Ain’t fair how some people get all the luck. *Mutters something about cock enlargement devices*
Emily: Hi! First off, thanks for having me. I'm Emily Justasalad, and I'm...well, I'm just a regular girl, so all this attention is taking me a little time to get used to. My story is really one about triumph and self-discovery--you know, learning to love yourself! Oh yeah, and I came to this realization by having an all-out, five-hot-men-on-one-Emily, Broadshaft Brothers orgy on my kitchen table. It might not work for everyone, but it was certainly therapeutic for me.
Q: If you had to explain your man, or men, to someone who hasn’t read your story, what would you say?
Lucius: Jace? He’s a puffball, twink interior decorator. *smirks* Think pink frillies, high heels and a different colored pair of glasses for each outfit. *the smirk fades* But when you get him into the bedroom he turns into a schlong-wielding monster…*whispers* so fuckin’ hot.
Holly: He’s rich, he’s sexy, he has…a really small cock and is the worst lover I’ve ever had. *Slouches in her chair* I have silver bullets bigger than his cock! I mean, sure, he can go like a million times in a night like a jackrabbit on Viagra, but I’m a quality over quantity girl which is why I’m glad Cade lets me bring Big Hoss out to play. *Pulls a huge banana yellow vibrator out of her purse* What? I’ll cut a bitch if they have something to say about my one and a half-menz. *Pulls a razor blade out of her cheek*
Steele: Grey is like no one I’ve ever met. He’s got more money than I can even fathom, and the sex drive of a bull. He’s got a lot going on with his business, but still takes plenty of time to make sure I’m happy. And he’s a little naughty too – he won’t let me wear clothes in the house!
Emily: Oh! *fans herself* The boys are...well, you probably already know them from their commercials--the five gorgeous brothers who own Broadshaft Brothers Pizza? You've seen the commercials, right? The ones where the boys display their top quality sausage and promise to deliver it to you hot whenever you have a craving for them? I mean...it? I mean, a sausage pizza, of course. And your satisfaction is always guaranteed. I can vouch for that. *fans herself again* Is it hot in here?
Missy: O M G! Oz is the shit. A big strong alien dude, right?! *leaning close to the screen* I have to whisper because he doesn’t like me talking about his cocks. But, holy hell, he has THREE of them. Three. And he’s so freaking tasty. I could live off his body and never eat again, I swear.
Q: I know that Valentine’s Day is a big deal for some people, especially in new relationships. Did you and your new significant other celebrate by doing anything fun? Did he buy you anything exciting?
Lucius: *turning red and sticking his chin out* We’re guys. We don’t make a big deal about shit like that. *shifts in his seat and refuses to make eye-contact* You know what? That’s a dumb question. I don’t wanna talk about it. *Shifts in his chair again and mutters what sounds like, “I didn’t even know about cock-cages before.”*
Steele: Um, let’s see. There was a lot…the matching anklet, bracelet, necklace, earrings – all huge diamonds, of course; the Leer jet so I wouldn’t have to rely on his; and the new Rolls Royce – with a driver, of course. Grey doesn’t want me to drive. Oh, and he got a lady’s maid! I’m not sure what she’s supposed to do, so I just keep making stuff up. I think she likes to be busy, so she’s already polished my thousand pairs of shoes *pauses* three or four times, and organized the wardrobe that takes up six closets in the penthouse by color, type of clothing, and season.
Holly: Oh sure, Cade bought me “toy” factory for Valentine’s Day and then we got dirty in the board room with the entire line of their Hung Like A Horse vibrators. *Waggles her eyebrows* Can we just say there are major bennies to being the CEO of a sex toy factory? *Retrieves a fourteen inch, glow-in-the-dark, pink vibrator of her purse and waggles it in front of Lucius and Ravyn* I’m thinking of calling this one Mr. Spock. Whatcha think? You can put it in the freezer for that cold-Vulcan lovin’.
Missy: Oh, crap, that was yesterday wasn’t it? Well, I haven’t been keeping track of Earth days since we left, so we didn’t do anything at all to celebrate. But, he did promise to buy me some sort of sexy clothing that glows in the dark when we get to his planet. *giggling* That’s close enough to Valentine wear as anything.
Emily: Those Broadshaft Boys always know exactly what I want, whether it's Valentine's Day or just any given Tuesday. I want an extra-large, extra-extra sausage pizza, delivered by all five of them at closing time, so there's no need for them to rush to their next delivery. They always make sure all six of us get exactly what we need. And for me, all I ever want those boys to do is stuff me full of their amazing Broadshaft Brothers sausage. And luckily for me, they love to give it to me.
Q: I know the readers are going to want to know about the sex, so dish, ladies *and guy*. How has it been in the sack?
Holly: Well, once I showed Cade how I like to get my cookie- that’s an orgasm for those of y’all not in the know- he gives it to me how I like it. And with his bunny-rabbit screwing speed, I can get a baker’s dozen of cookies a night. *Looks far too smug for her own good*
Lucius: *bright red now and looking around as though for an exit* Good. Good. Umm…surprisingly good. Painfully, intensely good. *tugs at the inseam of his pants* I can’t talk about it, okay? The cage… *goes white, then red again* I didn’t say anything, okay? You’ll take that last bit out, right? Right?
Steele: Grey is absolutely unbelievable. He can come over a dozen times a day, every day, even though he’s already forty-eight! Sometimes he comes so much it drips down my thighs, but I love it. And sometimes he does scary things, like paddle my bare bottom like two or three times even if I disobey him. But then he lets me make it up to him by, um, using my mouth to please him. I still can’t say that other phrase for it without giggling.
Missy: So, I told you about the cocks, but I’m going to say it again. THREE. And, the front one vibrates. He’s like a three-way vibrating, tasty dildo. He’s so awesome. Way more sexy than any other guy I’ve ever been with. *sighing* And with chocolate tasting cum how can I complain, right? I mean, he’s like sucking off a chocolate fountain. YUM.
Emily: In the sack... In the sack... I've never actually been in the sack with the Brothers. We've been on the kitchen table, the living room floor, the backyard once--but we don't do that anymore, not with the noise violation citation I received--and, oh yeah, that one crazy time in the back of the delivery van. And as far as how they are? Well the rumors are true--the Broadshafts have handed down the secrets of how to handle their meat for generations. They work with their hands all day, they're in gorgeous physical shape, and best of all, the customer's satisfaction is their number one priority, and they won't stop until you are completely stuffed and satisfied.
Q: Last question: For those readers that haven’t read your story, give me a quick glimpse into it.
Lucius: Listen, all I wanted was a quickie—even brought my handcuffs because, well, Jace looks like the perfect sub—but let’s just say he brought out a side of me I didn’t even know existed. I gotta go. I’m on duty in a while. *gets up and glares at the interviewer first, then all the other ladies in turn* I was never here, understand?
Missy: Well, he wasn’t really happy to be here, was he? *grinning* Here’s my story, real quick. Oz landed in my backyard and took me. *snorting* No, not that kind of taking. He put me on his ship and left the Earth. I thought for a moment to fight him about it, but I have no family, didn’t really like my job, and like I said. He’s huge, hot and has three cocks. Who wouldn’t go willingly with a strange alien if he had that? *looking over her shoulder* Oh, he’s coming back to the bridge. I’ve gotta go. Thanks for having me on the interview. Nice to meet you all. *waving and the screen blinks black*
Holly: *Heavy sigh* Really? Like there’s something unusual about a billionaire falling in with a ghettolicious girl? Okay, so maybe there is. Whatever. I’ll admit I was disappointed when we first started getting freaky. *Looks around* Fine, I was very disappointed, but if there’s one thing I can say about Cade Kincaid, it’s that while he’s fast and frequent, he gets my engine purring so that when Big Hoss makes it to bed, I come like a nuclear explosion. Every time. Because I make sure I get my cookie.
Emily: Oh, I got this *clears her throat* “And they closed in on her…five muscled studs, large and tanned and in possession of delicious sausage secrets shared only among themselves. Emily instantly dropped the package, the condoms, her diet plan, and her good intentions and squealed as five sets of strong hands carried her like their new toy to the kitchen table she’d set for one.” *grinning* Pretty good, right?
Well, thank you guys for coming out and letting me pick at your relationships. I appreciate it, and hope you all the best in the future with your… well, your love lives.
Read more about the gang from Fondled and Gobbled: Someone Had To Do It on the Cabal of Hotness blog. Or check out the book here: