Fondled and Gobbled:
Someone Had To Do It by:
Danica Avet, Lea Barrymire, Anya Richards, Cassandra Carr
and Piper Trace
BLURB:
The perfect man—with
the imperfect cock and oral skills. The Dom who isn’t a dom, and the man who
proves it to him. The alien with dessert-flavored semen and three cocks. The
older man (a kajillionaire with a penthouse in Seattle…) who has limitless
ability to come all night with his naïve little virgin. A woman on a diet who
craves a feast of meat and finds herself five Broadshaft Brothers who can
deliver.
If you’re looking for
the perfect romance with the perfect hero and heroine, this isn’t it! This is a
series of spoofs, parodies, just-for-fun lighthearted take-offs. It’s for all
us longtime, hard-core romance readers who can laugh at the clichés, purple
prose and “suspend your disbelief” plot devices that haunt our beloved favorite
genre.
Thanks for stopping
by. I know you’re all busy, especially with the release of your stories. But I
wanted everyone to get to know you a little better and see how things are going
for each of you after meeting your significant others. Let’s get started.
Character Interview
Q: Please introduce
yourselves and give me a two sentence synopsis of your story.
Lucius: *looks
around at all the women and lifts his chin* I’m Lucius, and I’m not sure what
the fuss is all about. I just tried to have a quiet sneak-fuck and ended up
trussed like a turkey, being assaulted. *gets a faraway look in his eyes* Never
realized how much fun that could be…
Steele: I’m
Steele Ana. I was working in a dead end job, but then Grey Christian came in
and we fell instantly in love! He promptly insisted I move into his awesome
penthouse in Seattle, and of course I said yes!
Missy: *tapping
the screen* Can you guys hear me? Yes? Good. I’m Missy. *waving* Um, I’m on
Oz’s ship someplace in the next galaxy over from the Milky Way. We’re heading
to his planet, I guess. Anyway, after he took me from Earth I’m not too worried
about where we’re going. He’s hunky, I was single… enough said, right?
Holly: *Pauses in
the middle of flipping through Big Toys for Big O’s magazine* What’s there to
talk about? I like sex. I like orgasms even more. My man, Caid Kincaid gives me
what I need. Sort of. *slouches in her chair* Most of the time. *Slouches more*
He’s really trying. *Glares at Lucius* Ain’t fair how some people get all the
luck. *Mutters something about cock enlargement devices*
Emily: Hi! First off, thanks for having me. I'm Emily Justasalad,
and I'm...well, I'm just a regular girl, so all this attention is taking me a
little time to get used to. My story is really one about triumph and
self-discovery--you know, learning to love yourself! Oh yeah, and I came to
this realization by having an all-out, five-hot-men-on-one-Emily, Broadshaft
Brothers orgy on my kitchen table. It might not work for everyone, but it was
certainly therapeutic for me.
Q: If you had to
explain your man, or men, to someone who hasn’t read your story, what would you
say?
Lucius: Jace?
He’s a puffball, twink interior decorator. *smirks* Think pink frillies, high
heels and a different colored pair of glasses for each outfit. *the smirk fades*
But when you get him into the bedroom he turns into a schlong-wielding monster…*whispers*
so fuckin’ hot.
Holly: He’s rich,
he’s sexy, he has…a really small cock and is the worst lover I’ve ever had. *Slouches
in her chair* I have silver bullets bigger than his cock! I mean, sure, he can
go like a million times in a night like a jackrabbit on Viagra, but I’m a
quality over quantity girl which is why I’m glad Cade lets me bring Big Hoss
out to play. *Pulls a huge banana yellow vibrator out of her purse* What? I’ll
cut a bitch if they have something to say about my one and a half-menz. *Pulls
a razor blade out of her cheek*
Steele: Grey is
like no one I’ve ever met. He’s got more money than I can even fathom, and the
sex drive of a bull. He’s got a lot going on with his business, but still takes
plenty of time to make sure I’m happy. And he’s a little naughty too – he won’t
let me wear clothes in the house!
Emily: Oh! *fans herself* The boys are...well, you probably already
know them from their commercials--the five gorgeous brothers who own Broadshaft
Brothers Pizza? You've seen the commercials, right? The ones where the boys
display their top quality sausage and promise to deliver it to you hot whenever
you have a craving for them? I mean...it? I mean, a sausage pizza, of course. And your
satisfaction is always guaranteed. I can vouch for that. *fans herself again*
Is it hot in here?
Missy: O M G! Oz
is the shit. A big strong alien dude, right?! *leaning close to the screen* I
have to whisper because he doesn’t like me talking about his cocks. But, holy
hell, he has THREE of them. Three. And he’s so freaking tasty. I could live off
his body and never eat again, I swear.
Q: I know that
Valentine’s Day is a big deal for some people, especially in new relationships.
Did you and your new significant other celebrate by doing anything fun? Did he buy
you anything exciting?
Lucius: *turning
red and sticking his chin out* We’re guys. We don’t make a big deal about shit
like that. *shifts in his seat and refuses to make eye-contact* You know what?
That’s a dumb question. I don’t wanna talk about it. *Shifts in his chair again
and mutters what sounds like, “I didn’t even know about cock-cages before.”*
Steele: Um, let’s
see. There was a lot…the matching anklet, bracelet, necklace, earrings – all
huge diamonds, of course; the Leer jet so I wouldn’t have to rely on his; and
the new Rolls Royce – with a driver, of course. Grey doesn’t want me to drive.
Oh, and he got a lady’s maid! I’m not sure what she’s supposed to do, so I just
keep making stuff up. I think she likes to be busy, so she’s already polished
my thousand pairs of shoes *pauses* three or four times, and organized the
wardrobe that takes up six closets in the penthouse by color, type of clothing,
and season.
Holly: Oh sure,
Cade bought me “toy” factory for Valentine’s Day and then we got dirty in the
board room with the entire line of their Hung Like A Horse vibrators. *Waggles
her eyebrows* Can we just say there are major bennies to being the CEO of a sex
toy factory? *Retrieves a fourteen inch, glow-in-the-dark, pink vibrator of her
purse and waggles it in front of Lucius and Ravyn* I’m thinking of calling this
one Mr. Spock. Whatcha think? You can put it in the freezer for that
cold-Vulcan lovin’.
Missy: Oh, crap,
that was yesterday wasn’t it? Well, I haven’t been keeping track of Earth days
since we left, so we didn’t do anything at all to celebrate. But, he did
promise to buy me some sort of sexy clothing that glows in the dark when we get
to his planet. *giggling* That’s close enough to Valentine wear as anything.
Emily: Those Broadshaft Boys always know exactly what I want,
whether it's Valentine's Day or just any given Tuesday. I want an extra-large,
extra-extra sausage pizza,
delivered by all five of them at closing time, so there's no need for them to
rush to their next delivery. They always make sure all six of us get exactly
what we need. And for me, all I ever want those boys to do is stuff me full of their amazing Broadshaft
Brothers sausage. And luckily for me, they love to give it to me.
Q: I know the readers
are going to want to know about the sex, so dish, ladies *and guy*. How has it been
in the sack?
Holly: Well, once
I showed Cade how I like to get my cookie- that’s an orgasm for those of y’all
not in the know- he gives it to me how I like it. And with his bunny-rabbit
screwing speed, I can get a baker’s dozen of cookies a night. *Looks far too
smug for her own good*
Lucius: *bright
red now and looking around as though for an exit* Good. Good. Umm…surprisingly
good. Painfully, intensely good. *tugs at the inseam of his pants* I can’t talk
about it, okay? The cage… *goes white, then red again* I didn’t say anything,
okay? You’ll take that last bit out, right? Right?
Steele: Grey is
absolutely unbelievable. He can come over a dozen times a day, every day, even
though he’s already forty-eight! Sometimes he comes so much it drips down my thighs,
but I love it. And sometimes he does scary things, like paddle my bare bottom
like two or three times even if I disobey him. But then he lets me make it up
to him by, um, using my mouth to please him. I still can’t say that other
phrase for it without giggling.
Missy: So, I told
you about the cocks, but I’m going to say it again. THREE. And, the front one
vibrates. He’s like a three-way vibrating, tasty dildo. He’s so awesome. Way
more sexy than any other guy I’ve ever been with. *sighing* And with chocolate
tasting cum how can I complain, right? I mean, he’s like sucking off a
chocolate fountain. YUM.
Emily: In the sack... In the sack... I've never actually been in
the sack with the Brothers. We've been on the kitchen table, the living room
floor, the backyard once--but we don't do that anymore, not with the noise
violation citation I received--and, oh yeah, that one crazy time in the
back of the delivery van. And as far as how they are? Well the rumors are
true--the Broadshafts have handed down the secrets of how to handle their meat
for generations. They work with their hands all day, they're in gorgeous
physical shape, and best of all, the customer's satisfaction is their number
one priority, and they won't stop until you are completely stuffed and
satisfied.
Q: Last question: For
those readers that haven’t read your story, give me a quick glimpse into it.
Lucius: Listen,
all I wanted was a quickie—even brought my handcuffs because, well, Jace looks
like the perfect sub—but let’s just say he brought out a side of me I didn’t
even know existed. I gotta go. I’m on duty in a while. *gets up and glares at
the interviewer first, then all the other ladies in turn* I was never here,
understand?
Missy: Well, he
wasn’t really happy to be here, was he? *grinning* Here’s my story, real quick.
Oz landed in my backyard and took me. *snorting* No, not that kind of taking.
He put me on his ship and left the Earth. I thought for a moment to fight him
about it, but I have no family, didn’t really like my job, and like I said.
He’s huge, hot and has three cocks. Who wouldn’t go willingly with a strange
alien if he had that? *looking over her shoulder* Oh, he’s coming back to the
bridge. I’ve gotta go. Thanks for having me on the interview. Nice to meet you
all. *waving and the screen blinks black*
Holly: *Heavy
sigh* Really? Like there’s something unusual about a billionaire falling in
with a ghettolicious girl? Okay, so maybe there is. Whatever. I’ll admit I was
disappointed when we first started getting freaky. *Looks around* Fine, I was
very disappointed, but if there’s one thing I can say about Cade Kincaid, it’s
that while he’s fast and frequent, he gets my engine purring so that when Big
Hoss makes it to bed, I come like a nuclear explosion. Every time. Because I
make sure I get my cookie.
Emily: Oh, I got
this *clears her throat* “And they
closed in on her…five muscled studs, large and tanned and in possession of
delicious sausage secrets shared only among themselves. Emily instantly dropped
the package, the condoms, her diet plan, and her good intentions and squealed
as five sets of strong hands carried her like their new toy to the kitchen
table she’d set for one.” *grinning* Pretty good, right?
Well, thank you guys for coming out and
letting me pick at your relationships. I appreciate it, and hope you all the
best in the future with your… well, your love lives.
Read more about the gang from Fondled and Gobbled: Someone Had To Do It on the Cabal of Hotness blog. Or check
out the book here:
Author Bio:
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